Monday, October 25, 2004

Stitches in Time

I have a sickness. Since I lack a medical degree, and I like to make stuff up, I'll name it 'Ennuitis-Shit-for-Brains Syndrome.' This is a progressive disease: First I decide that I'm too creative for my own good, and why should I sully my creativeness and BUY stuff, when I can MAKE it? Then, when Christmas rolls around, I decide that I'll make something simple, like these, for a few people on my list. It starts out as just a few, but once I hit the fabric store, I see that, holy cow! Fleece comes in more than one color and pattern! Who woulda thunk, right? So, the short list which previously may have consisted of my mother, husband and an aunt or two, immediately expands to everyone on the Western Hemisphere who owns a phone. Still good, still reasonably do-able, still have over a month to get them all done. Cut back on an hour or so of sleep a day, no problem.

Then, just past the flannel section of the store, I see that they have cross-stitch patterns. And beyond that, quilting material, and embroidery thread, and macrame and rug making kits ... and ... and ... Before I know it, the list has grown to include everyone on the planet with the letter B somewhere in their name, and I'm embroidering the names of all their pets underneath hand-painted quilt blocks depicting their entire family. I have opted to stop eating food that can't be sucked through a straw, haven't slept since the first seasonal showing of It's a Wonderful Life appeared, and have begun to wear empty Kleenex boxes as shoes. The day before Christmas, I have stopped eating entirely, my hair is sewn to my shirt, and I have begun referring to myself as Miss Havisham and attend Midnight Mass in my wedding gown.

Since becoming unemployed, I've noticed that the disease isn't seasonal, either. I've started collecting projects to do, such as the Scout Newsletter, the Halloween costume that won't die, this blog and the Street, and volunteering to do cupcakes for and help with school parties. I've also been busy stealing my friend Llama's ideas, and will start on this for T2's birthday. I'm not even going to talk about Christmas ...

Last weekend at church, after the service they were doing a volunteer sign-up thing downstairs. Rows and rows of tables set up, begging for young, healthy and terminally bored people to devote their time and talents in various enterprises. I wandered around, dazed and slightly drooling. Luckily, my husband spotted me, just as the crazed look came into my eyes, and shot me with a tranq gun before I charged, snorting and foaming, into the Ladies Guild table, selling myself into indentured servitude, making and selling hand embroidered hankies for the rest of my life. He didn't get the shot off quite in time, however, and I will be helping out with the craft fair in November, but I will only be manning the table for a few hours, not making anything.

The wedding dress is optional.


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