Monday, October 18, 2004

It's All Fun and Games Till Somebody Loses a Finger

My life has just sunk below pathetic and is edging towards stagnant. The downward trend is expected to continue into next week, with possible downpours of intelligent thought and random synapse firings over the weekend. Now, here's Me with the local news.

My cat has something stuck in his throat. I'm an expert on cats with something in their throats, because A)I have cats. B) All cats frequently (read: from the moment they wake up till the moment they die) have objects stuck in their throats. C) When cats have something in their throats, they will expel said objects forcibly yet slowly from their throats.

What many people fail to understand is that cats are able to hold objects in their throats for an extended amount of time. It has been rumored that cats are cross-bred from chipmunks and camels, but has never been scientifically proven. Another little known fact is that cats operate on a point system, much like this one. (The reference to 'Cat Taunting' is just a ruse, to dissuade any actual scientists from proving that there has been any hanky panky between the species. Crafty little buggers.) The points are awarded depending on how long the object is actually held in the throat, how forcibly and how far it travels once it comes out of the throat, and how much damage, financial or emotional, it causes once it reaches it's destination. (After, of course, being expelled from the throat.)

My cat is apparently trying to win the Gold in the Cat Olympics, in the Object Holding and Puking event. For the past two days, I've spotted him occasionally doing either a very bad Joe Cocker impersonation, or he's trying to expel something roughly the size of a small hen. I've tried looking into his mouth, to see if I can spot and remove the object, but this is very difficult to do alone, since as I may have mentioned, he's roughly the same size and weight of a Volkswagen Beetle, only with claws and fangs. So, without the aid of my husband, full body armor, and various power tools, I'm forced to watch and wait for him to expel what may be the Lindburgh baby. If it doesn't happen by tomorrow, I'll be forced to call a vet, and they can first reach in and extract whatever miscellaneous object is in his throat, and then they can reach in and extract various miscellaneous objects from our wallet.


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