Monday, October 11, 2004

10+ Things I Hate About You

I apologize, I was temporarily under the spell of Her Tiny Kittenness, and totally forgot my calling, which is calling out the idiots and wankers of the world who need heavy objects dropped from tall buildings onto their big stupid fat heads. (I think it may have originally been spreading peace and global understanding using vegetable oil and chicken wire, but screw that!)

So, here it is:

Dual-gender couples who cheerfully exclaim, "We're pregnant!" Not "We're having a baby!" or even the more accurate "She's having a baby. I'm going to do my best not to hurl on top of her head, and simultaneously be helpful and supportive by reminding her to breathe and not letting the others in the room know she's had my nuts and berries in a Kung Fu death grip for the last 15 minutes." Unless I've been horribly led astray, (and, if so, UH is in for SUCH a beating) only one of you is pregnant, pal!

People who buy a new car, then park it at an angle in parking lots to avoid dings on the side. Gee, I hope the guys at the impound lot are as considerate, when I have the POS towed for illegal and dumbass parking.

People who think it's cute, charming and/or funny to insult my children. It's a term of endearment when I call them my little pig droppings, when you do it, it's time to notify your next of kin.

Retail store owners who disallow their employees to show nose or facial piercings of any sort while working. As if it's SO much more attractive to stare at a huge Curad on the side of someone's nose.

Finally, people who, during certain times of the month, who tell me the pain is "all in my head" or that "exercise will help." Yeah, that's JUST what I want to do, go for a jog when I have a set of vise grips attached to my lower abdomen and a railroad spike shoved in my spine. I have a better idea. Why don't I just RUN YOU OVER WITH MY CAR? Yeah, that'll fix everything up straight away.

That's all I have for now. Wanna make something of it?


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