Friday, December 24, 2004

Yes, Virginia, There is a Crazy Guy in a Red Suit on the Roof.

Christmas is all about tradition. Well, okay, it isn't all about tradition, there's that whole Jesus/Virgin Birth thing, but for the purpose of this post, it's all about tradition. Cut me some slack, it's Christmas, dammit! Now, where was I? Oh, yes, tradition.

Every year, we hear from some tree-hugging anti-materialism buzz-kill moaning about how Christmas is too 'commercial' and there isn't enough 'goodwill toward men' and 'there's not enough fucking parking spaces at the mall.' Well, turns out this is nothing new. People have ALWAYS been materialistic and greedy bastards, but now want DVD players and a Lexus, instead of matching figgy pudding cups and a new set of flannel long-johns. So, if you still insist on feeling guilty about piling tons of useless crap under your tree for your nearest and dearest, certain stores will donate part of the proceeds from specific useless crap to a charity. I'm all for this, because nothing says Merry Christmas like a hand-delivered water buffalo.

Something else that just oozes Christmas cheer from its very pores are microwavable stuffed toys. These are designed to give children warm toys to cuddle with. And the radiation that is also oozing from these toys, after a few trips through the microwave, is just an added bonus. They won't need night-lights after awhile, they will glow in the dark. Great fun at parties, and think of the savings on flashlights! However, those buzz-kills known as 'educators' are trying to put a kibosh on the toys, voicing their concern that younger children will attempt to put their own living pets in the microwave, and that older children are Satan's imps, just waiting for a chance to stuff Fluffy into the blender, once they are given a viable scapegoat. No mention was made of stuffing sleeping grandparents into major kitchen appliances, but I'm sure that's just an accident waiting to happen.

Another tradition that has fallen by the wayside is listening to radio progams as a family. Back in the day, long before Ralph Kramden made domestic abuse funny again, people would sit around and listen to radio programs, that used descriptive dialogue and sound effects to give the audience the most realistic show possible. However, when two local Kansas radio stations tried this, this time with a naked game of Twister, the FCC was all up in their grill about it, claiming it was clearly intended to "pander to and titillate the audience."

I did have a point behind this, but couldn't stop saying the word 'titillate' and giggling to myself.

So, I'd like to tell everyone to have a happy holiday. And that I'd like a pony, and an E-Z Bake Oven.

I'd also like to blame the entire content of this post on spiked eggnog.


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