My Dog's a Carpet Muncher

Dogs are gross. Not gross as in what one earns before taxes, or gross as in certain of dogs. My, would ya look at that pack of dogs! There must be nearly a gross there!

No, gross as in what they put in their mouths, what comes out of their mouths, and what comes out of other places that aren't their mouths, but most certainly will go back in their mouths if certain people at the other end of the leash don't pick it up while screaming NO! BAD DOG.

Other dog owners don't say this, either, no. They blather on and on about how great dogs, how loyal they are, how smart, how well accessorized, how they can kill a man in 30 seconds without leaving a mark and the CIA would be LUCKY to have them. While they are blathering on about Fido's ability to count to do long division and rebuild a carburetor blindfolded, they fail to mention the fact that just that morning he had cat feces hors douvres.

When CatDog was a puppy, I didn't mind, because she limited her intake to puppy food and my fingers, and she could fit into my SHOE, and if that just isn't the cutest fucking thing, then I guess it isn't, but she was in my shoe! She was in my shoe and isn't her puppy breath intoxicating and oh, look she's in my shoe again!

She can't fit in my shoe anymore, and oh, dear god, the grossness. The first time I was forced to witness the gross factor was while on a walk with one of her brothers, in a misguided attempt to socialize her to stop biting the crap out of us and start biting the crap out of other dogs like she's supposed to. Best laid plans of mice, men, and woefully misled dog owners. Instead of behaving like a good dog, and guiding her younger brother to the path of righteousness and not peeing on stuff anymore, she led him off the path, into a low hanging thicket of sharp and pointy branches that humans couldn't penetrate, and straight into an all you can eat buffet of horse shit. See? Gross.

CatDog isn't all bad, of course. There is something to be said for a small creature that just wags his entire body because you went outside the gate to check the mail and dear god why can't I be with you and are you ever coming back and just because I can see you doesn't mean that you won't just poof disappear in a puff of smoke and oh you're coming back you were gone for a whole 3 minutes and it is time for the sniffing and making sure you are really real. Definitely not gross, there. There's also the whole 'barking and defending your humans and property from the evil scarecrows of doom you just placed in the front yard while I watched the whole thing take place but they are clearly evil and must be destroyed from a distance by the sound of my barking while I stand on the porch and do not go near them and it's a good thing I don't have ready access to a word processor or computer because I have no grasp of correct punctuation. Plus, I have no thumbs. How you are reading my thoughts is also just way beyond me but did I mention the evil scarecrows and oh, look, poop!

Oh, and my dog is not a really offensive term (that I would of course never use except as a blog post title read by pretty much anybody who wanders by but it's just a play on words to entice people to read and not meant to be derogatory in any way, shape, or form so that makes it okay) for a lesbian, but really tried to eat my carpet as in my floor covering. Because there was a vast shortage of horse shit in my house. And, she's just gross.

Next post: Well, tomorrow's already Friday, so I'm sure y'all can figure it out.