Saturday, March 05, 2005

Things That Piss Me Off

I'm feeling exceptionally ... special today, so am going to just skip all the preamble and witty banter, and just get down to the good bits.

1) When I'm in the throes of self-pity and am whining piteously and over-dramatically (hand fluttering about my forehead and fetch my smelling salts!) about how "I don't have anything to dooooooooo! I'm borrrrrrrrrred!", and someone says, "Well, you have plenty of housework to do. Don't you?" Well, maybe I do, but kiss my ass anyway.

2) The realization, that no matter how many cheeseburgers and ice cream shakes I consume, I will never be Queen Latifah. NEVER. I'm destined to die a scrawny, oily-faced, cholesterol-ridden heart-diseasey death.

3) I was going to say Joan Rivers, but then remembered she blasted Sean Penn as an idiot, (see next item) so this doesn't apply anymore. Well, not for about 2 weeks, anyway.

4) Sean Penn and his 'compromised sense of humor.' How about NO sense of humor? Jeff Spicoli, we hardly knew ye.

5) The fact that I had a huge list earlier, but forget them the moment I sat down and began typing.

6) Long lists.

7) Short lists.

8) Lists that climb on rocks.

9) Unnecessary sequels to books and movies. It is possible to live in a world where Scarlett and Rhett never bump uglies again, and there is a limit to the amount of times incestual relationships can still be considered entertaining. (Alexandra Ripley, and the ghost-writers to V.C. Andrews, I'm talking to YOU.)

10) People who are raising their eyebrows and clucking their tongues while muttering sardonically about how V.C. Andrews was never entertaining. I was 12, and I also read Orwell and Poe and Shakespeare and Oedipus did his MOM, and wasn't even a ballerina, so shut the hell up.

11) Joan Rivers. (Wow, that didn't last as long as I thought it would.)

*Addendum: I realized last night, after I had shut down the computer and I was already in bed, that Shakespeare didn't write Oedipus. I knew this, but I didn't want to drag my carcass out of bed to correct it. I was trying to make a point, dammit, I was too busy to stop and fact check everything. Anyway, to err is human, to point it out pisses me off, and Oedipus still banged his mama, so shut the hell up.


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