Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Amazing Race, We Hardly Knew Ye.

First off, The Amazing Race. The little geriatrics that could, couldn't do it anymore. Alas and alack, Gretchen and Meredith were eliminated, but at least they made Rawb and Ambah shit themselves a little, first. Ron and Kelly have managed to become America's most hated couple, first with Kelly's dumbass remark re: POW's last week, and Ron's "It's like teaching a woman to drive!" comment when Kelly wasn't able to immediately maneuver a double decker bus around a series of traffic cones successfully.

Ron and Kelly, after being stripped of their money and belongings last week, (Kelly: "But ... what about my gum?") were forced to go begging for money, and Meredith stepped up and gave Kelly some cash, in that oh-so-endearing "Here, I'm giving you some money, 'cause you need it, but we won't TELL anybody, mmm-kay?" older gent type of way. Joyce, cool, collected and biggest whupass bald female since Ripley and Vasquez from the Aliens franchise (NO, Demi Moore in G.I. Jane doesn't count, because she's Demi Moore. Ick.), went apeshit and started screaming at Uchenna, who was yelling directions to her during the driving challenge: "I can't understand anything YOU'RE SAYING!!!" Rough translation: "I'm bald, I'm driving a double decker bus, and just shut the hell up because YOU'RE BUGGING ME, ALREADY!" Or that's what I understood, my Bald-Whupass-Femalese is a little rusty. Kelly, in a move that can be filed under the 'Oh, no she DI'INT!" category, asked the woman at the ticket counter if she could borrow her lipstick. And she DID. She took a strange woman's lipstick, and rubbed this lipstick all over her mouth. Her mouth, the thing she EATS with. (OK, so she just throws it right back up, but still.) Do other women really do this? If so, I'm really going to have to rethink this whole 'being a girl' thing, because that's just nasty. Rawb and Ambah yielded Ron and Kelly, Kelly drew horns and moustaches on Rawb and Ambah's picture, and Guess Who Won't Be Coming to Dinner?

Next week is the season finale. (I'm assuming it's going to be 2 hours?) As an AR neophyte, I'm not sure how it's decided who wins, but I can only hope that it will involve Ron and Kelly, a pack of angry, incontinent beavers, and a large bottle of Tabasco sauce.


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