Wednesday Free-For-All

Yes, I'm fully aware that 'Friday Free-For-All' would have made a nicer sounding title. Fuck you, it's my blog.

So, after that gracious and welcoming opening, let's get on with it.

Why can't I, in the middle of a PTO meeting at my child's school, use the phrase 'Well, fuck me raw with a chainsaw!' to express surprise? I honestly believe it would make the proceedings SO much more interesting.

A commercial that pisses me off: The Wendy's one, where there are 4 people sitting around a workplace cafeteria table, eating salads and making irritating noises to describe them. However, there is one lucky young lady who has gone to Wendy's and instead of using the irritating dying-dolphin noise to describe the overall shittiness of it, she's busy having a mini-gasm over her bowl of lettuce, chicken flesh and dried bread. Now, all this is just mildly annoying, but what really pisses me off is the fact that her irate co-worker is all up in her face about it. However, as the mature and reasonable person you all have come to know and tolerate, I would NEVER scream at the screen "YOU could have gone to Wendy's, you large and annoying sea-cow, leave her the fuck alone."

Open letter to the pale and shirtless man walking around my apartment complex the other day: For fuck's sake, either get a tan or a tattoo to cover up all that pink flesh, because EW. No, don't smile and wave at me, either. If I'm walking around a street market with my darling husband and gorgeous children on a warm Saturday evening, I may smile back at you because I am carefree, I am hip, I am way too young to have 2 children (YES, I AM, DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU). But if I am alone in the pool with my youngest child, and you're wandering around looking lost and horribly skeevy, I am terrified that you may, at some point in the future, attempt to remove my liver with a plastic eating utensil, so kindly put a shirt on, and go the fuck away.

Regarding Star Wars: My 4 year old likes Star Wars because "It's funny when that lady chokes Jamba. That part is funny!" The bad news: this is indicative of a slight homicidal bent. The good news: It's directed toward a fruit juice franchise.

Oh, and speaking of EW, here ya go.

And, that's it for today. Please put your eating trays in the upright position, dispose of all trash in the proper containers, and we thank you for your support.