Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The D' Isney Code

I'm being kind when I say my latest posts have been ... pretty shitty. Instead of retiring, throwing in the towel, packing it in and packing it up and sneaking away and buggering up and chickening out and pissing off home, yes, bravely throwing in the sponge, which seems to be all the rage these days, I fished into the murky depths of my mind to find something that won't make you want to impale yourself and your pets on a sharpened candy cane. I couldn't find anything, so instead I'm going to talk about a book which caused major controversy and discussions and public beatings in Piggly Wiggly parking lots. Of course, this was months ago, and everyone's all talked about it and nobody gives a flying reindeer fuck anymore, so why not bring it all up again?

Since everyone's either read the book or decided to NOT read the book because everyone who had told them how much it sucked, I'll just go over the key points. (Or I'll just make shit up, and see who's paying attention.)

The book starts out with Jacques Sauniere, the curator of the museum, who in the first chapter is shot in the stomach and left to die. However, he's a remarkably clever man with a passion for the Weekly Jumble, and before he bleeds to death, he finds the time to run around and leave obscure clues before finally taking off all his clothes and arranging his dying body into a final clue for his granddaughter to find instead of just leaving the name of his killer because he's that smart.

Naturally, when the police find the body, in a stroke of deductive genius, they immediately contact Robert Langdon, who is a religious symbologist and naturally the best person to solve a murder. Especially since he is the main suspect, and rather than handcuffing him and taking him in for questioning, they decide that bringing him to the scene of the crime and glaring at him while making thinly veiled accusations is the best course of action.

Next we meet Sophie Neveu, a brilliant cryptologist, granddaughter of the dead guy, and prude extraordinaire. We can tell she's a brilliant cryptologist because not only does she trick Robert into explaining the meaning behind several different codes, she speaks with a French accent.

So, the dead old man with a fetish for kinky sex is dead, he leaves several clues behind that point to the fact that Jesus was doing the horizontal mambo with Mary Magdalene, and we all know this because Da Vinci included her in The Last Supper, and he was a painter so he KNOWS THINGS. (He also included Thing from the Addams Family, a link which is inexplicably omitted.)

Along the way we discover that Walt Disney was also in on the conspiracy theory, and he left several hints in movies that were made years after he was already dead. Clever move, that. One of the movies which had hints was The Little Mermaid because Ariel had red hair. Which makes perfect sense, but what does the giant schlong mean?

So, Sophie and Robert hightail it out of the museum, she continues to pretend to be a dumbass to keep Robert and his highly irritating fop of a best friend an excuse to exposition the shit out of everything while maintaining the writer's illusion that Sophie's character will keep them feminist chicks out there happy.

Blah blah blah and la-di-dah, there are car chases and footraces and a lot of words and finally the whole thing is over and I can devote the rest of this post to something much more important, like Googling my ass.


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