Back From the Dead Placeholder of DOOOOOOOM!

Suck it, bitches, I'm back.

I don't know what that really means, but it sounded good in my head.

Watch this space.

Look! A New Blog Post!

Yes, I blatantly stole this from some ladies who I wouldn't necessarily want to meet in a dark alley. However, as they are my knitting brethern (sisterern?) they are automatically cool and down with this type of behavior. Welcome to my world, the sky is purple.

So ... where have I been? (You know you were wondering just this thing. Yes, you WERE, and you know who you are.) And, since I don't know who you are, I'm not gonna tell ya! Nyah, nyah, NYAH.

Ok, I admit it. My life is so dreadfully boring that I just haven't had anything worthwhile to blog about. Sure, I go places and talk to people and move things, but nothing that those not directly involved would even give a crap about. So, why am I even blogging, anyway, since Talking a Lot About Things That Nobody Really Gives a Flying Fuck About is the basic premise of blogging? I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it's some residual guilt about making this guy move my link back and forth then not posting, or some misguided sense of duty after promising blogposts of epic proportions, or maybe I'm a little drunk and a lot bored. Whatever it is, Disney still sucks (here'th the proof) and Belle is not a princess. There is a history to this comment, but you're gonna have to find it all on your lonesome. Or not.

So, here I am, casting around for a worthy topic to re-enter the Blogosphere on, and all I can think of (or have my husband think of) is the plate of unfinished nachos on our table. And that is just so pathetically ... pathetic ... that I think I may have just achieved true Blogging Greatness. This plate of unfinished nachos just might be my Moby Dick, my Citizen Kane, my When Harry Met Sally Fake Orgasm Scene. Or it just may just be a poor excuse to show Tigger and Pluto's true colors. (By the way, why did Tigger feel it necessary to steal the kid's pumpkin, after trying to rip his head off? I mean, talk about adding insult to injury.)

And, that's about all I have, till the wine wears off. Or I have a plate of unfinished Gorditas to talk about.

Harry Potter And The Whiny Hallows

Wow, that was a whole lot of potty language and whining, eh? My apologies ...

Just so you know, not only am I a big Whiny McWhinyPants, I'm also easily amused.

The One Where the Label (and Grammar) Sucks

This is one of those days where I would like people to just leave me the fuck alone. However, since nobody else seemed to have gotten the memo, and keep wandering in asking for food and attention and can I come out of the closet please, it's hot in here I'll be good ... I don't really have a proper end to this statement. Hmmmm.

This has been an interesting week. I lost a chicken (not 'lost' as in: "Well, did you check under the couch cushions?" but 'lost' as in 'Laying eggs is for suckers, I wanna be STEW.') I'm not sure exactly sure how it happened, but I'm relatively sure it went something like this: "Hey, Other Chickens! Wanna see something really cool? I can fit my ENTIRE HEAD between this cinderblock and the underside of the chicken coop, and JUMP OFF!" So, starting the week by burying one of my critters (to which my husband yells: "YOU didn't bury ANYTHING, I DID.") ... fine, METAPHORICALLY burying one of my critters (and when, exactly, did I become Ellie Mae Clampett, and can I be expecting the boobs anytime soon?) just seemed like an icky way, karmically (karma-ically? karmicly?) speaking way to start the week.

Then I get the holy mother of god this fucking HURTS migraine from hell on acid two days later (you know the type, when you have a steel band wrapped around a vise grip that is digging into your brain (and, as a side note? When your significant other is prostrate on the floor, sobbing in agony and describing the pain as above, it's NOT helpful to spout out bits of information like this: "Well, you can't feel ANYthing in your brain, as there are no nerve endings up there." "Oh, yeah? Well, are there nerve endings down HERE?!?" (This last statement was only just now made up, and was never uttered out loud. I'm way too refined and delicate a flower to utter such vulgarities to my dear spouse.) Which brings me to another totally related and not at all bizarre segue; this is just one of the best lines ever: "I'm pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly Wiggly this morning, and I smiled at the son of a bitch 'fore I could help myself." Which also leads to one of the worst lines ever: "Smile! It increases your face value!" Which leads to the question: There was a Steel Magnolias TV show? Who thought this was a good idea? I'll bet it was someone who enjoys that particular line, and has a poster with a kitten hanging from a branch with the caption: Hang in there!

Well, I suppose I'll have to have some sort of moral ending or some shit like that, now, won't I? Let's see ...I know! It could always be worse. See?


Thanks be to Derek for A) having the type of job where he can sit around and record insects instead of WORKING, and B) probably being the only person to read and/or comment on this drivel.

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

I can only assume that the lack of comments on my last post was some sort of bizarre retaliatory response to the incorrect paraphrasing of Sir Elton's song, and not at all a show of lack of readership resulting from my spotty posting style of late. To which I respond: Fuck you, it's my blog, and I can misquote whoever and whatever the hell I feel like.

That being said, I did promise to write something (there may even have been something mentioned about 'funny' and 'not so much crap anymore' but I was probably lying) so here goes with the something.

Um ... well ... huh. Let's see ... Oh! We can always talk about how life would be more entertaining if it were like the movies. Remember in Groundhog Day, when Bill Murray's character has relived the same day for maybe the 15th time, and is shocking and awe-ing Andie McDowell's character with all the personal details he knows about everybody in the town. That would make parties so much more entertaining if one could introduce people in this way.

"This is Janice. She drinks too much, and her husband's a dick. Over here are Ted and Alice. They vote Republican, and both have sticks the size of redwood trees up their asses. Oh, and their son is gay and schtupping his gym teacher. Have you met Woody? He drives a very big truck to overcompensate for a small penis, and he's terrible in the sack. That's his wife, Mia, over there. She's an anal retentive neat freak who gives out personal information way too freely. And this is Bob. He has a serious flatulence problem, and will probably be on the news someday for taking hostages at the local McDonald's. Enjoy the party!"

And ... that's all I have for today.

And You Can Tell Everybody ... This Blog is For You ....

Leave it to Pops to force me out of kinda-but-not-really-retirement by becoming the latest victim of Sir Robin-itis. He's off to become a real writer, make shitloads of money, and eat peanut butter off the rippling abs of ... rippling worshippers of writers with shitloads of money. I had that dream, meself ... (only without the peanut butter. Eww.) I was making moves toward that ... then I suddenly started to suck.

Not that this post is any great shakes, but I used to be ... oh, I don't know ... funny? Then suddenly, I wasn't so much anymore. I don't know what happened exactly, but my posts were just downright shitty. Then I got bored. Then I got all involved in the real world, and started making conversations with people with actual faces in place of blogsites, and things just got all weird after that. You start off having conversations, then you start making lunch dates, showering on a regular basis and changing your clothes daily ... What the hell was I thinking?

So, I'm back, bitches. Pops can just go off and make a million dollars and eventually be mowed down by a minivan, (I wish him the best of luck, though. Bastard.), I'll still be here.

I may not even suck so much. Anything is possible.

Watching Too Many Movies Doesn't Make Me a Loser and Holy Crap This is a Long Meme Placeholder Post of DOOOOOOOM!

Check off the the ones you've seen and bold the ones you recommend!

(I have tried several times, unsuccessfully, to have a 'jump-to' link to shorten this long-ass thing. You'll just have to deal with it.)

(X) As Good As It Gets - Well, as good as it can get with Cuba Gooding Jr. in the cast.
(X) Good Will Hunting
(X) The Sixth Sense - He was dead the whole time! And not just his career!
(X) Home Alone
(X) Jaws - We're gonna need a bigger boat.
(X) Men In Black
(X) Men In Black 2
(X) Cast Away
(X) Mrs. Doubtfire
(X) Ghost
(X) A Beautiful Mind
(X) Jurassic Park
(X) Passion of the Christ
(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean - Johnny Depp, being all swashbuckley and shit ...
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest - See above
( ) Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club - Brad Pitt, in pre-Brangelina Do-Gooder hotness
(X) The Exorcist - New and exciting uses for split pea soup
(X) Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles - It's twue! It's TWUE!
(X) Airplane - I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
(X) The Princess Bride
(X) AnchorMan - I immediately regret this decision.
(X) Napoleon Dynamite
(X) Labyrinth - David Bowie, aka Mr. Androgynous Yummy Pants
( ) Saw
( ) Saw II - I didn't Saw the first one, why would I wanna Saw this one? (Sorry about that, I couldn't resist.)
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(X) Anger Management
(X) 50 First Dates
(X) The Princess Diaries
(X) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
(X) Scream
(X) Scream 2
(X) Scream 3
(X) Scary Movie
(X) Scary Movie 2
(X) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(X) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
(X) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp - This one time, in film school? I decided to make a really shitty movie ...
(X) Harry Potter 1
(X) Harry Potter 2
(X) Harry Potter 3
(X) Harry Potter 4
( ) Resident Evil 1
( ) Resident Evil 2
(X) The Wedding Singer
(X) Little Black Book
(X) The Village - Yeah, so the movie sucked. But ... Joaquin Phoenix!
(X) Lilo & Stitch
(X) Finding Nemo
(X) Finding Neverland - Johnny Depp, being all literary and shit.
(X) Signs
(X) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
(X) White Chicks
(X) Butterfly Effect
(X) 13 Going on 30 - The best thing about this was the Thriller dance-along. And that is really very sad.
(X) I, Robot - Yes, Will Smith, it IS possible to say "Oh, HELL no!" one too many times.
(X) Robots
(X) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story - You can dodge a wrench, you can dodge this movie. (But you shouldn't.)
( ) Universal Soldier
(X) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(X) Along Came Polly - Then She Was Hit By a Bus.
( ) Deep Impact
(X) KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers - Sorry, Babs, but Kathy Bates is a much better (worse?) discomforting in-law.
( )Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
(X) King Kong - If I want to see a person be eaten alive by a giant slug, I'll go to my mother-in-law's for dinner.
(X) A Cinderella Story
(X) The Terminal - Walk, Forrest. Walk!
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
(X) Dumber & Dumberer
(X) Final Destination
(X) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
(X) Halloween - Jamie Curtis shows that knitting is truly a life-saving skill. Well, sorta.
(X) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving Christmas
(X) Flubber
( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(X) Practical Magic
(X) Chicago
(X) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
(X) Hellboy
(X) Secret Window
(X) I Am Sam - I like my mentally challenged Sean Penn's to be a little less politically correct.
(X) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards
(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child’s Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
(X) Just Married
( ) Gothika
(X) Nightmare on Elm Street - Johnny Depp, being all messily eaten by a bed and shit
(X) Sixteen Candles - Because it's not every day you get felt up your grandmother
( ) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(X) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Sleven
(X) Ocean’s Eleven
( ) Ocean’s Twelve
(X) Bourne Identity
( ) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
(X) Predator I - Being forced to watch this should be just cause for divorce
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
(X) Ice Age
(X) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(X) Curious George - Mostly harmless, just the right amount of cute. It's the chipmunk of the movie world.
(X) Independence Day
(X) Cujo - I like big dogs. Big, slobbering, people eatin' dogs.
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
(X) Christine - I like big cars. Big, slobbering, people eatin' cars.
(X) E.T. - I like big-headed aliens. Big-headed, slobbering, people eatin' ... wait, wrong movie. Sorry.
(X) Children of the Corn - One helluva way to get a theater full of misguided and pissed off Native Americans.
( ) My Bosses Daughter
(X) Maid in Manhattan - There was a big dog in this movie. Couldn't they have locked J-Lo in a Ford Pinto and done Maid in Cujo, instead?
(X) War of the Worlds
(X) Rush Hour
( ) Rush Hour 2
( ) Best Bet
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days - Alternate title: How To Lose Your Almost Famous Respect in 3 Years
(X) She’s All That - If by 'all that' you mean desperately annoying and absolutely dreadful, then, yeah, I can see it.
( ) Calendar Girls
(X) Sideways
(X) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2 - This only deserves half boldness. "Now I know why you cry?!?" You're a fucking ROBOT.
(X) The Terminator 3
(X) X-Men
(X) X-2
(X) X3
(X) Spider-Man - I liked it, despite the fact that whenever Kirsten Dunst fell, she was caught before splattering onto the sidewalk.
(X) Spider-Man 2 - Still no Dunst-cakes, but watchable.
(X) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(X) Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Little Mermaid - Hey, guess what? In the REAL story, the mermaid DIES. Let's give the kiddies some aquatic Circle of Life, what say?
(X) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
(X) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
(X) The Hot Chick
(X) Shrek
(X) Shrek 2
(X) Swimfan
(X) Miracle on 34th street
(X) Old School
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf’s Tribe
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
(X) The 40-year-old Virgin
(X) Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring - If I weren't to bold these titles,
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers - I'd automatically lose my membership (and all privileges therein) in the Dorks of America club
(X) Lord of the Rings: Return Of the King- Actually, I just like seeing Orlando Bloom run around in blond hair and tights. Okay, just in tights.
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - Was the annoying kid from Goonies really necessary? Really?!?
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - Sean Connery. Mmmmmm.
( ) Base-ketball
( ) Hostel
(X) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(X) Elf - Mostly harmless, but not nearly cute enough. It's the bedbug of the movie world.
( ) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three
( ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(X) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic - *Spoiler Alert* At the end of the movie, the ship sinks.
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
( ) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
(X) Hulk
( ) Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
(X) Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - There are precious few family-friendly movies with talking beavers.
( ) 28 days later - Didn't see this one, but wasn't it about a bunch of zombies in rehab?
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
(X) Waterworld - It's like Dances With Wolves, only there's more water, less buffalo, and ... oh yeah, it sucked!
(X) Kill Bill Vol. 1
(X) Kill Bill Vol. 2
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
(X) Army of Darkness
(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace - See
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones - Lord
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith - Of
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope - The
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back - Rings
(X) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi - Ewoks!
( ) Ewoks: Caravan Of Courage - You can't be serious.
( ) Ewoks: The Battle For Endor - And you're name's not Shirley.
(X) The Matrix
(X) The Matrix: Reloaded
(X) The Matrix: Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
(X) Evil Dead
(X) Evil Dead 2
( ) Team America: World Police
( )Red Dragon
(X) Silence of the Lambs - It says it likes the movie, or else it gets the hose again.
( ) Hannibal - I'm sure Ray Liotta has a brain. I don't need to actually SEE it.