Thursday, March 30, 2006

Inconceivable Post of Unusual Size Placeholder of Despa...I Mean, DOOOOOM.

I've got my (person of significance's) birthday party to plan, my shit-trucks to arrange, my sub-contractor to murder and Guilder to frame for it.

I'm swamped.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I'm Just Wild About Harry ...

And I also really need to get out more. However, if I did, I wouldn't be able to share these lovely little slices of ... something. And then where would you be? HUH?!? I'll tell you where ... you'd be somewhere else, that's where!

This one is ... well, never mind. Let's just say that there's nothing wrong with it.

And this one is just kinda cute.

But this one is just wrong, on so many levels. (It's so wrong, in fact, that I can't even get the damn video to embed, and I have to do a crappy link job to it, instead.)

Friday, March 24, 2006

Looks Like I Picked the Wrong Day To Stop Having a Brain Tumor for Breakfast

(Phone call excerpt from this morning.)

Me: Two weeks ago, I ordered a dumpster to be delivered on Thursday, and it never showed up.

Her: When is your service day?

Me: ... For my regular trash pickup? Monday.

Her: OK, then. It will be delivered on Saturday.

My Brain: *POP*

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

And You Thought the Man Panties Were Scary ...


Photo courtesy of Go Fug Yourself. Who knows where THEY got it from.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Elephantine Drag Queen Space Saver of DOOOOOOM.

I'd tell you all to go here to order, but too bad, kids! They're all sold out.

My kid is currently desperately trying to cough up an internal organ. So far, all he's managed to do is deposit his breakfast all over my bed. And I don't mean from out of a BOWL, either.

So, that's all for tonight, folks.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Come and Get Me, Stalkers!

Location revealing information to follow:

I've got a septic tank pump truck stuck in my front yard. Which will eventually become my back yard, but that's beside the point.

If anyone has a yen to come and start hanging out in what's left of the bushes lining my street, come on down. He's been there for over 45 minutes, and I'm guessing he'll have to just live there now.

Who needs pink flamingos? I've got a SHIT TRUCK on my LAWN.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Week To Stop Sniffing Glue

We're doing some work on our house. Which is to say, we're building the whole damn thing from the ground up. And, since we have a finite amount of money, and would really like to avoid that whole 'mortgage' thing altogether, we're also the General Contractors. My, aren't we the financially savvy/independent/SMART type people?

Can someone shoot me now? Please?


Now, I have a question for those of you out there who have any experience in home-building/contracting/other misc. batshit activities: When is it considered socially acceptable (or fiscally wise) to drive over a sub-contractor with a backhoe? And, if I were to bury him within the foundation, would that make the house structurally unsound? I don't really want a Lawn Dead Sub-Gnome, they are just so tacky.

I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

It Didn't Have to Be This Way.

You know, it really didn't. I mean, would it have killed you to comment on my last post? That was comedic GOLD, baby. (If you don't believe me, go on and click on a few. I'll wait.)

Ok, see? You're busting up laughing now, aren't you? Your family has already called 911, thinking you're having a heart attack or an epileptic fit, eh? Well, TOO BAD. That's too little, too late, my friends, and I have no choice but to present you with:

Man Panties.

You're sure gonna comment now, ain't ya?!? (C'mon! They're MAN PANTIES. Oh, never mind.)

(The disturbing image du jour, courtesy of You Knit What?? So, don't give me all the credit.)

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Oscar Recap

"Some actresses wear their hearts on their sleeves. I prefer to wear my boobs on my shoulder."

"Hi, I'm hoping to win an award in the 'Ruffled Lampshade' category!"

"If Joan Rivers takes ONE more step toward me, I'm gonna punch her in the throat."

Robert Altman got the heart of a 30 year old woman.
Dolly Parton got her boobs.

"Gary Busey just punched me in the stomach!"

"I would have been here sooner, but my limo driver just dragged me 16 blocks before realizing I was underneath the car."

"I know I had some gum in here somewhere..."

"I'm not wearing any underwear!"

"Shit, here comes Gary Busey. I know I had some mace in here somewhere ..."

And finally, I refuse to point out that my girl Jennifer Garner lost her footing as well as her nursing bra. Oh, dammit! Well, never mind.