The Debate-Hidden Truths

What the Powers That Be (and by Powers That Be, I mean Kathie Lee Gifford and my 3rd grade teacher, Ms. Hogswallow) don't want the American public to know is that, although the Bush/Kerry debate was supposedly broadcast live, the Canadian public actually edited the hell out of it, cutting out key phrases from the candidates. Key phrases that would make them both sound just really really stupid, thus scaring the beejezus out of Americans, causing a massive fleeing-in-terror to the Northwest, the likes of which hasn't been seen since the 60's. And, since one of those fleeing-in-terror Americans may have included Macauley Culkin, the Canadians engineered this whole scam, to prevent such a tragedy.

Crafty devils, to be sure, but not on my watch!

So, without further ado, I'm including the missing parts of the debate, which will be shown in parenthesis. (And by parenthesis, I mean the little half-circle things that resemble G.W. Bush's ears.)

Bush:" ... I believe I'm going to win, because the American people know I know how to lead. I've shown the American people I know how to lead. (I know the American people know I know they know I know how to lead...")

(Kerry: -Scribbling madly - ... "Wrapped up like a douche ... No, that can't be what they're singing ...")

Bush: "... Ten million citizens have registered to vote. It's a phenomenal statistic. They're given a chance to be free, and they will show up at the polls. Forty-one percent of those 10 million are women. (Carry the two, A over B times Y = ... " -Glances at Kerry's notes - "What the hell ARE they singing, anyway?")

Kerry: "... where they're going out on the Internet to get the state-of-the-art body gear to send to their kids. Some of them got them for a birthday present. (The rest got a pony.")

(Al Gore: "I invented the Internet!")

(Security: -Body slam!-)

(Al Gore: "Ow.")

(Bush: - Scribbling more madly - "John ... Kerry ... is ... a ... fugly ... butt-wiping ...")

(Canadian public: -Smashes in door- Scufflesmashdrag!)

(HappyFunBall: "Damn, they found me!" Wrestlebitewhimper)

The real HappyFunBall: "This is just a hoax. Just for fun and giggles. The Canadians had NOTHING to do with this. We .. I mean, THEY love Macauley Culkin. So, go back to your lives, eh?"

*Dave Barry for President.*