Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Screw the Shark, I'm Going In

Shark Jumping be damned, I've jumped on the lemming bandwagon and hereby present my End of Year List(s).

Top 10 Most Deserving of a Beating in a Piggly Wiggly Parking Lot

1) MPH, for claiming that I have jumped the shark, making me temporarily doubt my greatness, and messing up a good 10 minutes of my night. No link for you!

2) Lex Luthor, for sneaking in a pressure wound and killing Superman. That's dirty pool, old man.

3) Godzilla,for focusing all that attention on Tokyo and not destroying Ohio before it was too late.

4) The Boys of Summer, for trying to take audience participation to new levels.

5) The folks at the FCC, for getting their briefs all in a bundle over Janet Jackson's nipple, while allowing Donald Trump's combover unlimited exposure over the airwaves.

6) Ray Charles, first for dying without my permission or approval. Secondly, for dying a month too late to circumvent the non-stop news coverage about the final episode of Friends. Frank Sinatra had the grace to die the same night as the final episode of Seinfeld, which resulted in only 3 weeks of tributes to the show, instead of the 5 months which was the original plan.

7) Olympics gold medalist Paul Hamm. Not for the whole 'cheating the South Korean out of the medal' thing, but for having a last name that reminds me of salted cured meat, making me hungry and thirsty at the same time. Where's Tonya Harding and Honey Baked Ham when you need 'em?

8) Kobe Bryant, for being a pig.

9) Scott Peterson, not only for being a pig, but a pig who just won't get the hell off my television.

10) Dave Barry, for taking time off and leaving a huge, gaping black hole of nothingness that nothing else can possibly fill unless I am hired to take his place, then of course this spot goes to the Bastards That Canned Me.


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