Friday, December 30, 2005

Insert Witty Title Including the Words 'Fuck' and Auld Lang Syne' Here

I don't do New Years resolutions, because I'm already a scrawny stick bug, I lose any more weight I'll be dead. I don't smoke, my gambling is limited to walking across the bedroom floor barefoot with 2 cats, 2 kids and a puppy in the house, and don't even talk to me about the demon drink. It loves me, and you can't give up on love.

Speaking of giving up, Dick Clark will be back for ABC's broadcast from Times Square, with Ryan Seacrest the Boy Wonder as co-host. It seems that once the picture of Dick Clark is finally destroyed and the electrodes inside him short out, Ryan will be taking over as the head vampire. It's the end of days, people; get your affairs in order and kiss your butts goodbye.

So, another year is come and gone, and all I have to say is 'Where the fuck did the year go? For that matter, what the hell happened to my shoes?' I don't have any type of actual list, but I did read a few books and saw a handful of movies and didn't see and didn't read a lot more. Best movie I've seen: Chronicles of Narnia. Yes, it's a 'kids' movie, and yes, there was a lot of Christian symbology, but just bite me, ok? It was a great movie. I read the whole series when I was in elementary school, and just this summer gave my son the set my dad gave me when he was still a dad and not a selfish wanker. There were some deviations from the book, but C.S. Lewis wrote the books in such a way that they could be interpreted any number of ways. So, you can go in and draw the obvious inferences: Aslan=Jesus; the White Witch=Satan; or you can make your own comparisons: Aslan=Larry Flynt; The White Witch=Jerry Falwell. It works for anybody: David Letterman/Oprah Winfrey; 1980's Michael Jackson/1990s on Michael Jackson. Try it. Or you can just go and enjoy a good movie, whatever floats your boat.
Other good movies that should be seen but will be suitable for DVD: Wallace and Gromit and the Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Mr. and Mrs. Jones (but only for the part where Brad Pitt goes off a cliff in a speeding car).

I've read a few books, but none were really worth a mention except that the Da Vinci code sucked and the Harry Potter books are always good.

Books I haven't read yet but really want to: Memoirs of a Geisha. I got this as a Christmas present and I have to sit down and read it quickly before I see the movie and I have to see the movie in the theater or my life just won't be worth living. (Thanks to Steph, for a mini-review of the movie so I won't go in with my hopes too high.) I'm also looking forward to reading The Time Traveler's Wife, a book which was suggested somewhere on Defective Yeti's blog. I also started reading but didn't get very far into Wicked. No, I'm not too keen on seeing the the musical, but I suppose it'll beat a poke in the eye.

Movies I missed:
Corpse Bride. If this is still in dollar movies, we might take the kids, but if I have to wait till DVD I'll be okay.
Mirror Mask. This only played for one week in our town, and by the time we got over the Christmas carnage, it had packed its bags and left. Can't describe how monumentally this sucks. The reviews for it were mixed, but since it was A) produced by the Jim Henson Company and was B) described as being '... like the crack baby of Labyrinth and Alice in Wonderland...' I think it deserves a look.

Movies I really wish I had missed:
The Brothers Grimm. I missed this in the theaters, and damn, I wish I had missed it on DVD, but at least I didn't miss it with my shotgun. (OK, fine, I didn't use a shotgun, but doesn't a well-directed eye-rolling and a highly derisive snort amount to the same thing?) The highest bit of praise I can give it was that its director once made good movies.
Valiant. I rented this for the kids. At least the plot summary was short.

And finally, since he's begging for everyone to do this, and he's a 7-foot tall selfish wanker, I'd like to bid a fond farewell to MPH, who is the Sir Robin in our little corner of Blog Camelot (it's just a model!) and he's not going to get a sandwich NOW, but at least I'm not going to turn him into a newt.


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