Monday, January 03, 2005

Lemony Snicket is an Asshole

We took the kids to the movies this weekend, and ended up in a theater watching A Series of Unfortunate Events. It was T1's choice, as celebration for his good grades. For those unfamiliar with this, and/or too damn lazy to click on the link I so thoughtfully provided, the basic plot equation is as follows: 3 kids + recently barbecued parents + deliciously evil villain who tries to off the kids in varied and interesting ways to get their large inheritance = quality family time that results in youngest cowering on your lap and hiding her face in terror for 35% of the movie. Good, good times.

The movie is based on the series of the same name, written under the nom de plume of Daniel Handler, Lemony Snicket. Very popular books, well-written, dark sense of humor, and it just isn't quality children's literature without at least one violent death caused by flesh-eating leeches. I'd even venture to say that they are better than the JK Rowling juggernaut (I don't really need to say Harry Potter, do I?), if I could do so without fear that I'll be dead resulting from a very suspicious yet fully explainable accident when I leave the house tomorrow morning.

My point is (finally) that I'm not doing any writing other than this blog. There isn't much money in naked Barbies that doesn't involve a digital camera and a paved road straight to hell. Despite my repeated requests, not one of you has offered to start sending me money for no apparent reason. I'm not likely to find a job that will include watching Judge Judy while eating marshmallows straight from the bag (what?!? It's a FAT-FREE food.) in the description of duties. I suppose I could go back to school, spend tons of money and time, and get told what to think by a bunch of over-educated assholes, or I could continue to get that same thing here, for free, and I don't even have to change out of my Spongebob pj's.

So. Since this is the time for changes, resolutions, and other promises that people don't intend to keep, I'm going to start writing. Again. Like, for money and crap. I have it figured out: Parents die in violent and painful ways = orphaned child(ren) thrown in with villains and just not very nice people = boatloads of cash. I just need to find a new way to kill off the parents, get myself a cool pen name "that sounds like a sneeze", and start e-mailing Jim Carrey and Tim Burton now.

I'll be putting the down payment on the mansion in oh, about 3 months. 6 months, tops.


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